I failed… yes, Ekshita failed.

It’s just been a rough day or so. I want to take a break from life and be myself again. Happiness seems to be running away from me and it’s unfair because this isn’t me. Happiness comes to me, smiles come to me… laughter is my friend. Just not right now.

I feel caged and want to run away from everything and everyone. I want to feel like my spirit is free and capable of soaring… I want to fly.

A few minutes ago I was pouring over a programming book with music playing in the background. Suddenly, a tune I hadn’t heard in ages made it to my ears and I was lost in its beauty. This tune happens to be Bombay’s (the movie’s) theme song. I guess I am biased because it is instrumental and I have always loved instrumental music but the simplicity of this tune is what makes it absolutely beautiful. It portrays a certain serenity with the amazing work on the flute that it starts out with and it lets your mind’s eye wander and find your personal heaven…

For those of you who haven’t heard it before, check it out…

Wrote some “functions” in Function Programming (FP) the other day. Interesting, to say the least. It was for a class but it was really my first hands on experience with a functional language.

Although there is an interpreter for this language, it isn’t as developed as it could be and it definitely needs a debugger. Anyway, interesting first experience.

Now onto Haskell. Oh fun. At least there’s a huge amount of documentation and books on how to program in Haskell =) It’s always good to have resources. Will write more about it when I know what I’m doing!

I’ve heard it all a million times – with light there is darkness and the rest of those wonderful statements that talk about sunshine and shade…

But today, I’m sitting here thinking that no one ever told me how hope and despair go hand in hand. Yes, with hope comes despair (or with despair comes hope, if you’re in an optimistic mood).

I like stability to be at a distance from my life but I like it nonetheless. I like knowing that the people I love back home are going to be there no matter what. I don’t know if any of the friends I’ve made here are going to stick around or if they are going to just be friends in passing.
I have nothing against people who come and go because that’s what humans do, but I like a sense of stability and security and today I feel like someone took my rock away.

One of the few people I knew I could count on just let me fall and wasn’t there to catch me. In fact, he pushed me… and now there’s no one to catch me… I’m alone, on my own and everyone who could possibly grab my arm and pull me out of this abyss is way too far away.

I despair and yet I hope that a stranger would come and save me from myself…

I recently heard this song for the first time and for some reason it has stuck with me. I can’t stop listening to it because the lyrics calm me down… weird. Anyway, here are the lyrics and the link to the song. Check it out =)

Another day goes by
Time travel gone astray
My mind in disarray
I could’ve run away to be with you
I could’ve run away to be with you
I should’ve run away to be with you…

Once we got lost in the woods with your hand interlaced between mine
And i stared straight at the sun and imagined the beams realign
Emotions and photons that flicker like bees when I look in your eyes
Intertwined…

Six stories above
I watched the world creep by
I used to be in love
and that’s enough to make me high on you
and that’s enough to make me high on you
and that’s enough to make me high on you
and that’s enough to make me high on  you

I feel like I’ve been stuck in a rut for a while now and as much as I try my thoughts won’t leave me alone. They haunt me and I can’t help but give them my attention.

Since I’ve failed to get rid of them so far, I’m just going to resort to a new method. Change of scene, change of people, change of everything. I’m about to run away from my mind and hope it works.

I want to breathe unfamiliar air and listen to notes I’ve never heard before. I want life to be refreshed like a web browser can be refreshed.. only, I don’t want it to remain on the same website. All of this needs to change…

Even a heart that’s been weighed down can fly. Today was a wonderful day and everything turned out very, very well. There are things on my mind as always but my heart feels a certain childish joy.

It’s the feeling that comes when you’re a step closer to achieving your dreams because you can feel it when your stretch your hand out in the unknown.

It’s the joy that a child feels when they get a set of 200 hot wheels on their 4th birthday… I love it.

What I was doing when I wasn’t blogging

- I decided to go into hiding.
- I realized hiding wasn’t a great idea, so planned to hide everyone else and enjoy freedom.
- Hiding everyone for my own freedom proved to be a very tough task.
- I then gave up being antisocial and mingled with people.
- I lost my year-long train of thought in the crowd and I’m still looking for it.
- I hydrated my soul.
- My soul loved it and is now very, very demanding and needs to be chained.
- I often hear its cries and it takes me forever to give my soul a pacifier… stupid kid.
- I made some new friends… friends with no questions. It feels amazing
- I lost touch with some old friends… friends with no answers.. I miss them, just a teeny bit.
- I found myself writing again one day.
- My brain is still trying to decide if that’s a waste of paper or of thoughts. Better save trees than brains? (Man, this could make a cheesy zombie movie dialogue.. just maybe).
- I watched no zombie movies.
- I watched The Ninth Gate and expected more when it was over.
- I realized that I can’t be in control… ever
- It hurt my ego and so I gave my soul more ale… yes, I used the word ale.
- Now my soul seems to think that when there is no cure, one should just swallow the most disgusting things on earth and feel the bitterness on one’s tongue to see if it makes you forget the pain.
- The word pain reminds me -I hurt my back.
- It stopped hurting, so I hurt it again.
- I feel like being understood is scary so I decided to celebrate Halloween in attempts to come to terms with scariness.
- I didn’t realize being a Roman Empress was the last of my fears.
- I should have just dressed up as a cereal killer… yes, “cereal” killer and walked around with a knife. It happens to be slightly more scary than a roman empress who died eons ago.
- I didn’t drink as much coffee as I usually do. I’ve been coffee-less for a while. There’s blood running in my coffee vessels again.
- I have decided that sleep is not as important as learning comp sci thingis and curing of the soul.
- If you know me at all, you know what I mean by ‘curing of the soul’.
- I learned that typing is not an art and that writing a blog doesn’t constitute as displaying expertise
- That realization causes me to stop writing this blog…. laterz.

Why can’t everything just be black and white sometimes?  The colours confuse me to a degree inexpressible by words.

I need to find a path. I feel like I am stuck in a rut and there’s nothing I can do. If everything was black and white, I would just take the tough road and walk in darkness in hopes that eventually I’ll see a speck of light before life leaves my hand forever.

Yeah, life’s holding my hand… don’t comment. It’s… a figure of speech in my head.

Bah, I lost my train of thought.